Cinnamoncinnati

Checking in to a Holiday Inn Express on the outskirts of Cincinnati, I was asked by the woman behind the counter, "What brings you to our area?"

I couldn't tell her the truth.

This is the reason for driving instead of flying - I don't want to be x-rayed, I don't want the third degree from an interrogator in orange-framed glasses.

I could ask, Why do you want to know?

But, it's really none of her business. Really. None.

But the Holiday Inn Express cinnamon rolls could have something to do with it.

It's research. The blog needs this; I am compelled by duty.

Anecdotal information is too personal, subject to personal interpretation and exaggeration.

We need empirical information: facts, figures, data that can be proved, something to hang on to.

THE PROCESS:

• Cinnamon roll sampled at 8:42 am, Eastern time, March 27, 2011. Subject was sitting in a custom, plastic formed cinnamon roll pan under a warming lamp.

• Visual inspection shows acceptable subject, unobjectionable temperature; layers articulated on examination revealing structure and composition.

• Final analysis demonstrates that, even with all requisite components present, there just isn't much there there.

• Final rating: mediocre: 4.373103

THE FACTS:

Roll: 2.3345

Icing: 2.48

Cinnamon: 2.37

Lateral acceleration: 7.8G

Amplitude: 9

Latitude: 39 degrees, 9' 42" N

Longitude: 84 degrees, 27' 24" W

Attitude: + 5

Gratitude (free breakfast bar) + (thanks, Holiday Inn Express: a clean, bright place; the CR is a well-intentioned though ultimately token gesture

Breakfast food: .07

Method of ingestion: chewed

Sunflower Tally: 0

Hyun® Paper Crane Quotient: 0

Calcium: (for bones) 2.334

Iron: (for steel) 9.2

Atmosphere:

• pervasive and exotic Kentucky accents

• little league team in Dodger uniforms; players push and shove so that we, the public, don't have to.

• aggressive toddler at large careened about with handfuls of fried egg, powdered donut and cinnamon roll clenched in wet fists, extruded between fingers in play-dough mode.

Blogosphere: here.

ANN SATHER, ANDERSONVILLE

Oh. Ah. Ann Sather.

Ann Sather on North Clark Street.

Cinnamon Rolls, not one, but two.

It's a side order.

Just a little something on the side.

Or both sides.

OF MY TORSO. Symmetrical.

Do they still make Metrical©?

These cinnamon rolls:

two large islands of baked, flaked yeasty dough and cinnamon goo.

The icing:

the icing pools on top, overflows and niagras down the sides into a thick icing pond. The cinnamon rolls reflect from this glossy gravy, doubling the image, but thankfully, not the calories.

I'm NOT eating my entire side order. I'm only eating half the side order - just one side of the side. There are other things just to the side of the side order: my crabcake benedict is, in truth, the side dish, a filler to the main course which is of course, the cinnamon roll.

And the crabcake benedict is really good too, and of the two on my plate, I eat one to balance out the cinnamon roll - ON MY TORSO.

Wait. Where do I put the Ann Sather skillet potatoes? Where?

ANSWER:

In my mouf.